Yes, I know – it’s been awhile. Life has me too busy to blog! I am not back to work yet – so I am happily running all things home and hearth related, looking for work, spending most of my weekday evenings with Ellaria and Jack and most of my weekends with Harry. I feel very,very full!! But I realized it’s been a year since we started blogging – a bit more since we started loving like we do…and maybe it’s time for a re-cap. I just love a numbered list – so here we go!! The year in review!
1 – A year ago I had my first date in 19 years!: And there were many more after that. I really am a great date – smart, funny, attractive, and then there’s the fact that I cheerfully ask if we can have sex after the dinner and drinks. Those dates gave me confidence and I really needed that a year ago. Reentering the dating life is sort of like learning to ride a bike: everybody else can do it…so why does it feel so scary?…can’t balance…falling over….I’ll never GET this… It got way more comfortable as I realized the first (and second and third) guys were not a fluke and then the training wheels were off and I was rolling along!!
2 – A year ago the three of us started fantasizing about living together in New York City: And here we are! In a classic 6, no less, on the Upper West Side! We, together, made that happen and I am proud of us. It was a huge change for the three of us AND the kids. I can’t say that the process was stress free but the result has been. I love living with my best friends, I love having people around, I love the busy bustling life we have, I love that we all pitch in to do the work of running the house and raising the kids. I love it!
3 – A year ago I was head over heels in desire: And I still am. But this time it’s in a relationship with someone who I love (and trust completely) and who loves me back. Last year I was all about the Catalyst – and I really needed someone like him. He is the one who gave me a sexual jump-start. I had completely forgotten how it felt to be overwhelmed, blinded, drooling, distracted all the time, be wanted, be thought of as a sexual object, be made crazy by sex. And he helped me remember. It was short and sweet and hot as hell. He also made me think about what I wanted in a boyfriend – think hard. And you know what? I have those things now. He was the right man at the right time – thank you Catalyst!
4 – A year ago I was a running machine: I have since switched to yoga – a fractured 5th metatarsal will do that. But more importantly, I am no longer manically exercising. Last winter I ran 3, 4 or 5 miles every single night. I was so keyed up I needed to do something. There were nights I would go out at 10 pm for a run, after drinking a lot of wine and eating a huge plate of pasta! My body just could not stop.I was also doing yoga AND riding my bike to work everyday. On my birthday in January Ellaria and Sandsnake came up to us (on a school night!) to be with me. I spent the evening drinking wine and eating cake and talking…then was so edgy and keyed up I announced I was going for a run at 10:30. A little (make that very) crazy. I am still very fit, probably stronger, less keyed up and definitely happier!
5 – A year ago I concentrated very hard on living in the moment: And I still do. It has given me so much peace to free myself from the weight of the future and the expectations we all seem to pile up about it. And the burden of the past and the mistakes I feel I made. I dream, I plan to make those dreams happen, I listen to feelings of disquiet or unease and try to uncover what is really going on inside. I remember what has gone before and try to learn from it. But I don’t hold on to negativity – towards myself or anyone else. I don’t wallow. I don’t anticipate the bad or the good. I just try to be alive and let the joys and sorrows unfold. And I let myself feel them – and go on.
6 – A year ago I didn’t want to think about being in a real relationship: And then I did. I thank Mr.Monday for that. Though we had something completely non-traditional and very unemotional it was still a relationship of a kind – with a smart, sexy, handsome man. The start was a bit rocky, but it developed into something really nice. In a totally dom/sub, kinky, anal way of course. But being with him, and our talks after sex about the ordinary things two 40-something people talk about, made the idea of a real relationship seem less scary.
7 – A year ago I was adamantly opposed to falling in love: And then I did! Little did I know…when the timing and man are right there is really nothing you can do to prevent it. I had been in lust, I had been in infatuation…I had a very thorough refresher course in being swept off my feet and in “like” as well as all the ways you can be misunderstood and hurt. It was like a sped up version of dating in my teens and early 20’s! And Harry is the culmination of my year of exploration. He has all the personal qualities I feel are important – funny, sexy, smart, kind, masculine, independent and outgoing (to name a few) along with the external qualities I knew would be important – Ellaria and Jack think he is wonderful, the kids love him and he has no other partners to focus on. I want him to myself – and we ARE exclusive. I am happy this way. Very, very happy.
8 – A year ago I was unsure about the outcome for Jack and I: And now I know we’ll stick together. I think this way of living suits us both. The funny thing is, I think we are more solid than before, but in a different way. We are comfortable old friends who know we can rely on each other. And the weird thing is, I actually feel like I need him now in a way I didn’t when we were more traditionally married. He was always upset that I would say, “I choose you” rather than “I need you”. Well, Jack, I choose you AND I need you.
9 – A year ago I could imagine what it would be like to live with Ellaria full time: And now I know the reality – and it’s great! Though the two of us have many things in common, we are also very different. And different is good. We don’t step on each others’ toes around the house, we don’t get upset about the same things, we have different relationships with Jack. We are both very respectful, laugh all the time and love to talk. Her enthusiasm about things inspires me and her wise counsel anchors me down. She gets Jack and me to talk about things we would rather not – and that’s good. She is the center of this whole enterprise – it would fall apart without her.
10 – A year ago I didn’t think I would blog for a year: And here I am! There have been ups and downs, sadly emotional times and hilarious ones. I have grown and stretched and changed and my life is completely different than it was 18 months ago – completely!!! Amazing. And now I have reached a point of stasis. I’m happy. I’m content. I’m busy. I’m blogging less because I don’t think my happiness is very interesting. Substitute “relationships” for “families” in Tolstoy’s famous quote and really, happy relationships are all alike. Harry and I went to Montreal last weekend and had a marvelous time….but there isn’t much to say other than that, unless this becomes a travel blog!
And obviously, Ellaria and Jack have not been blogging. They’ve been living, and working and deepening their relationship and very, very busy! So, like all things, this blog might change…who knows how, or when. But it has been a fantastic exciting year and I look forward to the next one! Thanks for reading everyone!!